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Thursday, 05 February 2009 19:24 |
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Sorry, but there is no translation available... |
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Thursday, 16 April 2009 10:53 |
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We have only lived here for three weeks but we have
already experienced many new things.
The bureaucracy in France is unbelievable. For
everything entire piles of papers are produced which have to be filled in. To get a second
bank pass no fewer than 25 pages of paper were printed… Otherwise everything takes place in
a very relaxed mode. Whatever cannot be done today will get done tomorrow… or will it?
Hospital
We have already been inducted to the pros and cons
of the hospital. |
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Saturday, 25 April 2009 19:22 |
Last Tuesday we paid another visit to the hospital.
When people ask us if we have seen much of France yet, we reply tongue in cheek: “In
particular the environment of our house and the hospital.”
This time we were
accompanied by a nice Dutch woman who translated for us. The person doing the scan was
positive. The baby is small but has clearly grown over the last two weeks. She thought that
we should merely adjust the anticipated date of birth. The veins leading to my womb were
hard to see so we would have to come back in three weeks’ time.
So we were in a
positive mood until the gynaecologist come on stage. The scan-woman wanted to consult him
about something so she called him in. After looking at the papers he asked if I was working:
“That is absolutely ruled out from now on. You have to rest, to rest as much as possible.”
We tried to appease him by saying that we will have a young woman staying with us in three
weeks’ time, and that until then we will get much help from family and friends. His
expression changed a bit for the good…
Yet he wanted to carry out another test
next week. And so we will be back in the hospital by the time you read this … for the next
examination.
Personally we are not too concerned about the baby. We know that our
little child is safe in the hands of God. Annemieke is very tired and she sleeps a lot.
Tim's standard phrase is: "Mum pleep” (sleep). We are glad to notice that the energy level
is up…
We hope to be able to tell more next week.
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Saturday, 02 May 2009 11:48 |
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On April 30 we met with the gynaecologist in the
hospital at Senlis. Fortunately she spoke good English and was able to explain many
things.
The baby is very small. In the most positive case that is because its blood
supply is not so good. But it is also possible that there is a disorder in the chromosomes,
although this cannot be seen on the scans as yet. They think of trisomy (genetic
abnormality) 21, 18 or 13. |
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Friday, 08 May 2009 21:24 |
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Yippee! The primary results of the amniosynthese came
back. It looks like our baby doesn't have a chromosomal disease. De gynaecologist thinks
Annemieke is developing maternity poisoning. |
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Thursday, 28 May 2009 20:25 |
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Had another scan this
afternoon.
The baby has grown, but not as much as we would hope. The weight is
at the bottom side of the curve. As long as the baby keeps growing they will leave it in
the tummy, but it's probable that at a certain point the baby will grow better out of the
tummy than in. That could be as early as 6 months (early June). Because the baby will be so
small then it will have to be treated in a specialised hospital somewhere in
Paris.
Back in 2 weeks for the next scan.
Mark
has got a week of unpaid leave to help take care of the boys, after that Mark cousin is
here with her friend for the weekend and then Marieke is coming untill the end of the
summer. She'll be helping us out as au pair. She's been here last weekend to get to know
each other and we had a good time. We hope her arrival will bring back a bit of rest and
regularity to our family, because we definitely need that at the moment. |
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Thursday, 28 May 2009 20:26 |
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Went to the hospital (again!!!) yesterday voor bloodtests and a diabetes
test.
Annemiekes
bllodpressure was also tested. That was so high they decided to keep her there...
:(
She is now on
medicines to keep the pressure low (not sure if they work
yet).
We're not sure what will happen next. It is still too early for the baby to be
born, but if the pressure stays as high as it is it's not good for Annemieke
either.
Will you please pray for Annemieke and the baby?
Luckily i'm off for a week, so at least the
boys are taken care of. When we walked out of the hospital last night they were both very
sad to leave there mummy there. |
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Thursday, 28 May 2009 20:29 |
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It has
become evident that Annemieke’s placenta is hardly developed. As a result the blood supply
(and consequently the food supply) to the baby is insufficient. Her body feels this and
responds by circulating the blood faster. So her blood pressure rises. A beautiful
mechanism but the high blood pressure is not great for Annemieke...
This blood pressure is still too high.
The doctors have now tried two different types of medication but without
success. This morning they decided to start giving injections so that the
lungs of the baby will ripen sooner, in order to enable an early
birth.
This weekend she
will probably be transferred to a Paris hospital, where they
can cope with caring for a premature baby. If there is no space in Paris, it could be Amiens!
This Saturday the
pregnancy is 26 weeks, the minimum age for a premature baby to have a chance of surviving.
After being born the baby will need to be in hospital for some ten weeks.
On a positive note,
during the past week the baby has grown well. |
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Thursday, 28 May 2009 20:30 |
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Things
change really quickly over here...
Yesterday we were visiting Annemieke in the hospital with the boys when the
gynaecologist entered saying that she was very happy. She had just been on the
phone to the hospital in Pontoise, the nearest specialist hospital, to see if they had a
bed for Annemieke. The unexpected response had been "Come immediately" and
she was flabbergasted.
So packing, taking Gera and the boys home ... and when I re-entered the hospital Annemieke just
disappeared into the lift on her way to the ambulance. Fast as lighting!
Our French-speaking
friend Esther picked me up and together we drove to Pontoise. Annemieke had to stay at the
intake for a long time until her blood pressure had stabilised. Only then was she allowed
to go to her room (9:20pm). The nurses were very nice and both spoke some
English, which was great. Esther and I left at about 11:00pm and arrived home just before midnight.
What a day!
Annemieke was moved to Pontoise for
fear that she develops the HELPP syndrome. As and when that happens, they need to do a
caesarean immediately. In Senlis they could not care for a premature baby
like ours, but they can in Pontoise. The plan now is to control the blood
pressure. If that goes well, they want to see how long the baby continues to grow and to
delay the birth.
I hope the above is reasonably clear –
in as far as possible in view of the daily changes. |
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Thursday, 28 May 2009 21:05 |
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Sorry, but there is no translation available... |
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Tuesday, 02 June 2009 21:07 |
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Sorry, but there is no translation available... |
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Monday, 22 June 2009 13:20 |
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Sorry, but there is no translation available... |
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Friday, 26 June 2009 09:07 |
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Sorry, but there is no translation available... |
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Monday, 29 June 2009 09:48 |
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On Hannah's funeral a good friend of ours sang a
self written song.
It's so beautiful that although it's in Dutch we didn't want
to keep it from you. |
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Saturday, 04 July 2009 09:10 |
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Sorry, but there is no translation available... |
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Thursday, 16 July 2009 17:35 |
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People say time will heal,
But we just
know they don’t feel what we feel.
Times are hard
But God is so good!
God sees our tears
God finds our fears.
We are holding on
‘cause
help is on they way.
He said He will never leave us or forsake us.
We reaching
out; to take His hand.
based on: "Help is on the way" from
the cd: A new Hallelujah- Micheal W Smith |
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Monday, 17 August 2009 20:26 |
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain
Mercy Me- Bring the rain
Sunshine and rain
Sunshine and rain. It belongs to life. It belongs to our lives.
Some people say on a cloudy day the sun isn’t shining.
One of the advantages of being a pilot is seeing the sun, even on a very cloudy day.
The sun is always shining. We just can’t always see it.
Out days are cloudy. The nights are very dark. Life seems full with tears and sadness.
The days are a constant reminder of what should have been and never will be.
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Sunday, 06 September 2009 20:59 |
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Sorry, but there is no translation available... |
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Thursday, 17 September 2009 08:49 |
On September 14 we spent a day in the hospital. Two
tests by the cardiologist and a meeting with the gynaecologist.
The tests show
that whereas before the pregnancy I had latent high blood pressure I now actually have it.
This is what made it so hard to stabilise my blood pressure when I was pregnant with
Hannah.
With the help of medication the blood pressure is now well under control. The
cardiologist does expect that I will have to be on it for the rest of my life.
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Saturday, 10 October 2009 19:05 |
Next comes ‘the question’. It can be asked in three
languages…
Ca va? How are you? Hoe gaat het ?
I can see from the eyes of the
asker that this question has been asked thoughtfully. The eyes are moving about. From the
kids to the watch. I can almost guess the thoughts going through their head. Something
recently happened to them, didn’t it? How long ago again? Months now? The impact can’t have
been that big... The baby was never really there, was it? So they must be ok by now? I think
it’s a safe question to ask, especially as it’s nearly time for me to go.
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Thursday, 05 November 2009 22:19 |
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The home has got many rooms. Small rooms, big rooms, dark rooms and light rooms. Most of the rooms have window. Those who haven’t nobody really wants to get into.
All the rooms are full with something. Laughter, joy, tears, anger.
We all seems to walk in one of those rooms. And sometimes we cross each other.
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Sunday, 08 November 2009 21:31 |
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I phoned one of my best friends from the hospital to tell her that Hannah had died. Her answer came back straight away: “I told God if this ended all wrong, I wouldn’t talk to Him for at least a month!”
I smiled. I love her for that sentence. It meant more to me than anything else she said. I know God is her best friend. And I know she never says anything without a thought, so this had been really important to her! 20 Minutes later we were praying on the phone!
Why is it that we always go back to God? Even if life gives us things we don’t understand?
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Sunday, 08 November 2009 22:29 |
This week we got a great gift!
As a surprise our friends recorded Hannah’s song “Gestorven Verlangen” in a studio.
We’re so sorry it’s in Dutch so you can’t understand it.
But of course you’re more then welcome to have a go…
Good luck!
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Saturday, 05 December 2009 12:06 |
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One minute Tim is playing at the second floor in the hall.
The next minute he’s tumbling, head down, from the stairs.
I scream from the top of my lungs.
I scream.
His head bangs on the 14th step. His back on the 12th.
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Tuesday, 15 December 2009 09:55 |
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Today I’m having an OK day.
I feel better. The kids are listening and finally, 6 months after we lost our daughter, I kind of feel in control.
In control of the situation.
In control of myself.
Finally I feel I can handle the ‘normal’ things again.
When I come back from picking up the children from school the mail is on the kitchen table.
The pamper- green colour catches my eye.
“You and your 3 months old baby” it says on the envelop.
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Wednesday, 16 December 2009 10:16 |
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There he goes. His little face is shining. While he speaks “love you mummy” little clouds of cold go up in the air. He’s almost 6 years old.
Although it’s minus 6 he did NOT want to wear his hat. I could talk him in to cloves.
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Friday, 18 December 2009 10:28 |
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I'm surrounded by baskets of laundry. Piles of it. And Tim is adding and adding.
I so love potty training during the night...
Although there's lots of other stuff to do I really want to write this blog.
Over the months there have been so many special moments, so many special people, so many touches of my heart.
That special moment- that one tear.
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Thursday, 14 January 2010 20:32 |
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It’s 7.45 am. Mark is working earlies and I’m eating breakfast with the boys.
This week we’re working on Hannah’s room. We’re transforming it to my ‘office’.
It never had a crib or cot but non the less it’s still Hannah’s room.
The boys seem to think it weird.
“Mummy what if a baby pops out of your tummy next month? Joas asks
Where will it sleep?”
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Saturday, 23 January 2010 10:56 |
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The room is still there.
Although I sometimes try to close the door; it doesn’t seem to work that way.
I am trying to get back in life. I want to… It just doesn’t work out always.
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Sunday, 07 February 2010 14:52 |
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She was there.
Round face. Lots of smiles. Blond curly hair. Cheeky eyes. 10 months old.
She was there for 2 whole days.
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Wednesday, 10 February 2010 07:40 |
It was pentacost when Hannah was born. Most of the shops we're closed. But, with the help of some nurses Mark was able to buy us a plasterset to plaster Hannah's foot.
But what do you do afterwards with a very tiny little plastered foot?
Especially when you know you can't make it again?
A dear friend of us made this special piece of art around it.
This way we can always see her tiny foot. But it will never break.
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Monday, 15 February 2010 10:29 |
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We’re back.
Back were it all began.
We’re back in England. Just for a few days.
Dark grey clouds look upon us. They seem to hold rain. Lots of rain. Like the rain in my heart.
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Tuesday, 23 February 2010 20:20 |
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It’s Monday the 21st of December. It’s minus 5 with 15 cm snow everywhere.
Perfect day to place our daughters headstone!  Thanks to Marks parents who watch our boys we are alone.
Alone with several shovels and lots of other materials we need.
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Thursday, 01 April 2010 11:51 |
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10 Months ago today, we finally got to meet her.
We got to she her tiny nose, her perfect feet, her beautiful hands.
The little girl who we talked to for al these months.
For whom we prayed even before she was.
The little girl that we longed for…
We’re still longing for her.
Every day, every hour. Day or night.
She’s so missed. She is so loved.
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Wednesday, 05 May 2010 08:57 |
We finally found it…. .jpg) A place to travel to together.
Just for a few days.
We couldn’t find a ‘last minute’.
Except for one in the middle of Paris. We didn’t really feel like going there.
And we were able to afford such luxury.
But what then?
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Wednesday, 19 May 2010 08:46 |
It almost there.  The first anniversary of Hannah’s death and birth.
Unbelievable!
The leaves have turned from green to brown.
Have fallen of the trees.
And now the trees are green again.
One year gone…
How are we?
It’s a question without an indefinite answer.
Mourning seems to be a process. Not a one way road forward but rather a road with bumps and valleys. A road where we seem to be going forward and then we’re suddenly seem to be back at a place we saw a long time ago.
But it feels we’re going forward anyway.
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Friday, 18 June 2010 09:24 |
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A few weeks after Hannah died she emailed us.
I want you to know that my heart is grieving with you in your loss.
I know how difficult it is. The pain is still fresh for me, as well.
It was the start of a new, fresh and very dear friendship.
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Friday, 03 September 2010 21:09 |
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It's the school-rentree. Every year it happens on the second of September.
Every year they come back with a bunch of paperwork to fill in.
I remember the paper from last year.
But still I wasn't prepared.
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Wednesday, 10 November 2010 23:35 |
I would like to tell you about a little boy who rocked my world.
I didn’t know I would ‘meet’ him so quickly. It wasn’t supposed to be. Not for another 5 months.
But it happened.
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Monday, 29 November 2010 10:55 |
It happened three times.
The joy of having a positive pregnancy test.
The expectation of the day when the new baby would be born.
I clearly remember the day when my youngest brother was born.
The whole family was looking forward to meet the new baby.
I remember well that I could come and see the baby in the middle of the night.
It was so special.
I wanted that to!
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